Having Patience When We're a Decade Behind the Curve

My wonderful, supportive husband, who only wants the best for me and our family, e-mailed the above graphic and verse to me today.  And knowing me the way that he does, he hit the nail on the head as usual... and as I'm sure he knows, that made me want to kick him.  It's a good thing that his slow-to-anger, even temper usually balances out my quick, erratic temper.

Patience is not a virtue that I possess in abundance.  I imagine that God often helps us improve our inadequacies by placing us in situations where we really need to use and hone those skills!  In my case, He's really outdone himself.  Not only did He give me 2 more children, but He also led us to children who do not speak any English.  Then for good measure, He also made us sit around Ukraine for an extra couple of weeks waiting to bring them home.  

And it worked... by the end of that ordeal in Ukraine, I felt like a new woman.  Patience? Check.  Cured of my Type A personality? Check.  We were home, we were together, we were blending and getting to know each other, and life was good.  A few weeks later however, as the honeymoon phase is ending, I realize how foolish I was to have thought that I'd been cured of my impatience and quick temper.  I've also realized how much work we still have to do, and how much time it could still take, for our family to fully blend.  

A recent incident involving a bathroom dispute between the kids proved to me that I still have a long way to go in how I react to all of them.  In the end, a toothbrush was used as a weapon against my youngest, who was in tears, most likely because her feelings were hurt more than anything.  The situation did not end well: the protective "Mama Bear" in me lost her temper in defense of her "cub", and thank goodness that their level-headed father walked onto the scene to help diffuse the bomb.

All 4 of them are my children - I honestly LOVE all 4 of them the same.  I guess I assumed my instinct to protect would be equally strong for all of them too, right out of the gate.  But - full disclosure - the truth is that I instinctively react differently when a situation involves Sophia or Claire, both of whom I've nurtured, loved, protected, advocated for, educated, and prayed over for the last decade.  And while I now do the same for Anya and Alex, my instinct just hasn't caught up to the level that it is for Sophia and Claire.  As a mother, that's a hard truth for me to admit, and it makes me feel very guilty.  I knew it wouldn't happen overnight, but we still have a long way to go in continuing to grow our parent/child relationships with Anya and Alex, as well as sibling relationships between all the kids.  And that will take a lot of patience, thinking before I speak, and temper management.

In the meantime, school has begun and so has homework... What better way to continue working on improving my patience?  

August 26, 2013 - First Day of School

They're HOME!!!

Ten months ago, an email about an 8-year-old girl set into motion a very unexpected chain of events that led us to Ukraine.  Seven months of paperwork and waiting brought us to a heartbreaking appointment in Kiev on April 10th...at the exact same time that a different pair of siblings were about to become eligible for international adoption.  One week, two referrals, and many unbearable hours of driving later, God finally revealed to us where He had actually been leading us all along.  

As it turned out, God had some Stinson kids waiting for us in a little coastal town along the Sea of Azov.

Together at last! - at Raleigh Durham International Airport on July 24, 2013

Three months and one drama-filled delay later, we finally brought Anna Lynn and Alexander Thomas home to America on July 24th.  Words can not describe how incredible it felt to be back on American soil and FINALLY be able to introduce our children to each other!!!  Seeing them all in the rear view mirror, sitting together in the back seat of the car on the way home from the airport - it was an amazing feeling that has not yet lifted.  

Every day since then has been full of the unexpected, full of challenges, and full of joy like I never imagined.  How can I adequately express the feeling of love when one of them says "Thank you Mama" or "I love you Mama"?  How can I adequately express the feeling of frustration when I can't figure out how to "adjust" an unwanted behavior?  How can I adequately express the feeling of joy that fills me whenever I watch them experience something new?

Those new experiences are still happening daily, and it is just so much fun to see their reactions.  One of my favorites was the first several times Neil left messages on the answering machine; they ran into the kitchen and started saying "Hi Papa!" to the answering machine, and were so puzzled when he didn't answer back.  When I ordered pizza from Domino's this week, they were speechless when the pizza just showed up at our house!  They still look at us like we were crazy when we ask them to close the back door behind them when they go outside to play.  And I love how we've already seen a transition in attitude - from confused, to embarrassed, to indignant, to now (sometimes) glad - about giving to others or doing things for others.

I'd be lying, of course, if I tried to make you believe that every moment of the past few weeks has been joyful.  Some challenges were predictable, like their hoarding mentality.  You often hear of food hoarding in adopted children, but our kids prefer to hoard other belongings.  Of course they've chosen to hoard many things that once resided in Sophia or Claire's bedrooms, and despite a whole lot of understanding from the girls, there has still been a little conflict.  And it's tough to adequately manage conflict with Google Translate!  

Other challenges were less predictable to us.  For example, the most challenging thing for us has been having to suddenly change the way we've parented for the past 10 years.  I often catch myself trying to deal with a behavior situation in the same way I might with Sophia or Claire... and then I have to regroup and remember that Anya and Sasha need to be parented in a whole different way.  A daily example of this is that when they are redirected or do not get their way, they often shut down, hiding or pretending like they can't see or hear us.  Sophia and Claire have been raised to never dare to treat us so disrespectfully - and if they did, there would be consequences - so my first instinct is to impress upon Anya and Sasha how disrespectful they are being!  But they are not trying to be disrespectful; they are in self-preservation mode and need to be brought close and reminded that we love them no matter how they act or what they do.  It does not come naturally to parent that way, because our parenting style has never been to coddle our kids through undesirable behavior.  

It's does take a lot of effort to do things one way with Sophia and Claire, and a different way with Anya and Sasha.  And with school beginning in two weeks, things are bound to get even more challenging!  But we're doing everything we reasonably can to prepare them in the short time that we've had.  Life is about to get a whole lot busier, but we can't wait to see how they learn and grow!  

Sasha's first visit to the pool after getting his cast off his arm!