Not Every Child is Unreachable

I am beside myself.  

Some neighbors are running in and out of the house playing.  As usual, I have asked everyone to stay out of the bedrooms because Alex gets quite territorial about his space and his toys.  Not so long ago, there were plenty of episodes of shutting down or getting angry because someone touched something that Alex didn't want them to touch.  Which was everything - he didn't want to share anything, and we couldn't blame him for his inexperience with sharing because he'd never had anything to share before.  If he did have something he wanted to keep, the only option was to hide it, hoard it, and hang onto it for dear life.  You certainly didn't share it, because you'd never see it again.

So to avoid the trigger, we keep his bedroom door closed when friends are in the house.  

This afternoon, Alex has impressed me; he calmly showed his friend how to play with a new toy that he recently got for his birthday.  He also invited them to play Skylanders on the Wii with him, which is something he doesn't like to share.  Then one of our friends asked if they could play on a DS.  Alex voluntarily offered his up.  And then he said something that absolutely blew me away... 

He gave his friend instructions for where to find it in his bedroom.  

His English as he spoke was impressive, and I marveled at how he could give someone directions on where to find something.  But far more impressive was that Alex was giving someone permission to go into his bedroom, unsupervised, to get one of his most prized possessions.  I almost fell to the floor in tears.  

We struggle so much with how to guide Alex and Anya, how to teach them gently, how to undo years of less than adequate guidance and care.  We second-guess every decision that we make and over analyze every choice we face.  We wonder how long it will take, if ever, for them to overcome their coping mechanisms.  Some days, I feel helpless to help them.  Some days are really hard.

But most days are not.  Most days, I am amazed at not only how far they've come, but also at how minimal their issues really are.  There should be so many more struggles, so many more hardships, given everything they've been through.  The one we hear about most often is Reactive Attachment Disorder, but there's a whole list of other syndromes and symptoms that could - and maybe should - be plaguing our household.  And there's no guarantee that more issues will not creep up in the months and years to come.  But so far, problems have been minimal, understandable, and often predictable.

I say all this because, despite how we want to believe that adoption is a "happily ever after" affair, the difficulties of adopting are often plastered all over mass media.  It is the truth; children who are abused or neglected are sometimes incapable of being rescued and loved the way that we adoptive parents hope.  I've read blog after blog, article after article, to this effect: We want to save them, and sometimes they can't be saved.  My fear is that this may scare potential adoptive parents away from taking a risk.  

What I want people to know is that not every child is unreachable.  Not every child is damaged beyond repair.  There are success stories.  Our kids, who have experienced things in their young lives that we will never fully grasp, are proof of this.  Some days are difficult and emotional, but just 5 months after we walked out of that orphanage on June 27th, I truly believe that Anya and Alex will be a 100% a success story. My children are making very visible progress.  They are capable of giving and receiving affection.  They are bonding in very real ways with us, with friends, with extended family, with teachers.  They are learning to cope and express themselves more appropriately.  It's a gift to watch all of this unfold, and I pray that we will continue to watch it unfold for a very long time to come.

Yes, there are no guarantees, and not every adopted child will thrive or make their adoptive family a happier family.  But every child deserves for someone to take that chance on them.

A Work In Progress

I was throwing dinner together last night when my world was unexpectedly turned upside down.  Alex was playing the Wii, Claire was wandering around the backyard, Sophia was getting ready to run out the door for Girl Scouts, and Anya had just finished doing math homework with her new Russian-speaking tutor.  For the first time since school began, it's a relatively good evening and I think we're going to make it through the school year!  I was in the kitchen, and Anya walked by on the other side of the counter... when out of nowhere, she begins to tell me things that we didn't know about her Mama and Papa in Ukraine.  

Needless to say, dinner was forgotten and I swept that little girl into the living room and up into my lap, ready to hear everything that she had to say... Did you know that if you let hot dogs boil long enough, they just disintegrate?  That's what happened to the kids' dinner.  

What's interesting about Anya's admissions, and her timing, is how I had prayed yesterday morning.  Anya is a challenge to me - I turn away from almost every encounter with her feeling like I've failed.  Twenty-four hours ago, I was praying specifically for God to help me connect with her.  I was praying for God to give me more patience with her, and to guide me in my reactions to her behaviors and needs.  And to be quite honest, I was praying for God to take away some of my frustration and replace it simply with more love.

God heard me.  He certainly delivered.  There is nothing, NOTHING, in the world like hearing about your own child's abuse and neglect to give you a new perspective.  It's something I wouldn't wish on any parent, but it stirred emotions in me that I didn't even know were possible.  The end result was exactly what I had been praying for earlier that day.  Thank you God.

Anya shared with us things we didn't know about her family life.  We had been told that she and Alex were neglected, and abandoned by their alcoholic mother.  We understand now that they endured much, much more than that, at the hands of an alcoholic father that we didn't even know was in the picture.  It raises so many questions for me - Is this why their mother drank, to cope?  Or as a defense mechanism, because if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?  Was she possibly intentional in her decisions to not bring the children home from their boarding school on weekends & holidays?  Might she have even done what she did to protect them?  Is this why she took the unusual step of voluntarily signing away her rights, when most parents in her situation go to court?  Did she love them more than we thought she did?  Or was she just like their father?  

I want to ask her why she didn't let them go sooner.  I want to scream at her for ever letting their father hurt them.  I want to beg her to love them like I do.  I want to demand to know why she didn't feel it was necessary to take care of or PROTECT them.  I want to tell her how much she has hurt them and affected who they are.  I wonder if she cares?

But most of all, I just want to thank her for letting them go without a fight, and thank God for watching over them until they could be united with us.  I'll never get to ask their birth mother all of these questions.  My new, revised prayer today is for strength for me to move past these questions and let them go, and guidance as Neil and I help them to overcome everything that has happened to them.  

It's hard to believe that today is the 3-month anniversary of our "Gotcha Day."  It's gone by so fast and we are so blessed that Anya already feels like she can share these painful things with us.  Now that the floodgates have been opened, I'm sure they will have more to tell.  I'm sure we will learn more about their past, and learn more about what they really need from us.  There will be so much more to overcome and so many more challenges ahead.  

We are a work in progress... but then again, what family isn't?

Having Patience When We're a Decade Behind the Curve

My wonderful, supportive husband, who only wants the best for me and our family, e-mailed the above graphic and verse to me today.  And knowing me the way that he does, he hit the nail on the head as usual... and as I'm sure he knows, that made me want to kick him.  It's a good thing that his slow-to-anger, even temper usually balances out my quick, erratic temper.

Patience is not a virtue that I possess in abundance.  I imagine that God often helps us improve our inadequacies by placing us in situations where we really need to use and hone those skills!  In my case, He's really outdone himself.  Not only did He give me 2 more children, but He also led us to children who do not speak any English.  Then for good measure, He also made us sit around Ukraine for an extra couple of weeks waiting to bring them home.  

And it worked... by the end of that ordeal in Ukraine, I felt like a new woman.  Patience? Check.  Cured of my Type A personality? Check.  We were home, we were together, we were blending and getting to know each other, and life was good.  A few weeks later however, as the honeymoon phase is ending, I realize how foolish I was to have thought that I'd been cured of my impatience and quick temper.  I've also realized how much work we still have to do, and how much time it could still take, for our family to fully blend.  

A recent incident involving a bathroom dispute between the kids proved to me that I still have a long way to go in how I react to all of them.  In the end, a toothbrush was used as a weapon against my youngest, who was in tears, most likely because her feelings were hurt more than anything.  The situation did not end well: the protective "Mama Bear" in me lost her temper in defense of her "cub", and thank goodness that their level-headed father walked onto the scene to help diffuse the bomb.

All 4 of them are my children - I honestly LOVE all 4 of them the same.  I guess I assumed my instinct to protect would be equally strong for all of them too, right out of the gate.  But - full disclosure - the truth is that I instinctively react differently when a situation involves Sophia or Claire, both of whom I've nurtured, loved, protected, advocated for, educated, and prayed over for the last decade.  And while I now do the same for Anya and Alex, my instinct just hasn't caught up to the level that it is for Sophia and Claire.  As a mother, that's a hard truth for me to admit, and it makes me feel very guilty.  I knew it wouldn't happen overnight, but we still have a long way to go in continuing to grow our parent/child relationships with Anya and Alex, as well as sibling relationships between all the kids.  And that will take a lot of patience, thinking before I speak, and temper management.

In the meantime, school has begun and so has homework... What better way to continue working on improving my patience?  

August 26, 2013 - First Day of School

They're HOME!!!

Ten months ago, an email about an 8-year-old girl set into motion a very unexpected chain of events that led us to Ukraine.  Seven months of paperwork and waiting brought us to a heartbreaking appointment in Kiev on April 10th...at the exact same time that a different pair of siblings were about to become eligible for international adoption.  One week, two referrals, and many unbearable hours of driving later, God finally revealed to us where He had actually been leading us all along.  

As it turned out, God had some Stinson kids waiting for us in a little coastal town along the Sea of Azov.

Together at last! - at Raleigh Durham International Airport on July 24, 2013

Three months and one drama-filled delay later, we finally brought Anna Lynn and Alexander Thomas home to America on July 24th.  Words can not describe how incredible it felt to be back on American soil and FINALLY be able to introduce our children to each other!!!  Seeing them all in the rear view mirror, sitting together in the back seat of the car on the way home from the airport - it was an amazing feeling that has not yet lifted.  

Every day since then has been full of the unexpected, full of challenges, and full of joy like I never imagined.  How can I adequately express the feeling of love when one of them says "Thank you Mama" or "I love you Mama"?  How can I adequately express the feeling of frustration when I can't figure out how to "adjust" an unwanted behavior?  How can I adequately express the feeling of joy that fills me whenever I watch them experience something new?

Those new experiences are still happening daily, and it is just so much fun to see their reactions.  One of my favorites was the first several times Neil left messages on the answering machine; they ran into the kitchen and started saying "Hi Papa!" to the answering machine, and were so puzzled when he didn't answer back.  When I ordered pizza from Domino's this week, they were speechless when the pizza just showed up at our house!  They still look at us like we were crazy when we ask them to close the back door behind them when they go outside to play.  And I love how we've already seen a transition in attitude - from confused, to embarrassed, to indignant, to now (sometimes) glad - about giving to others or doing things for others.

I'd be lying, of course, if I tried to make you believe that every moment of the past few weeks has been joyful.  Some challenges were predictable, like their hoarding mentality.  You often hear of food hoarding in adopted children, but our kids prefer to hoard other belongings.  Of course they've chosen to hoard many things that once resided in Sophia or Claire's bedrooms, and despite a whole lot of understanding from the girls, there has still been a little conflict.  And it's tough to adequately manage conflict with Google Translate!  

Other challenges were less predictable to us.  For example, the most challenging thing for us has been having to suddenly change the way we've parented for the past 10 years.  I often catch myself trying to deal with a behavior situation in the same way I might with Sophia or Claire... and then I have to regroup and remember that Anya and Sasha need to be parented in a whole different way.  A daily example of this is that when they are redirected or do not get their way, they often shut down, hiding or pretending like they can't see or hear us.  Sophia and Claire have been raised to never dare to treat us so disrespectfully - and if they did, there would be consequences - so my first instinct is to impress upon Anya and Sasha how disrespectful they are being!  But they are not trying to be disrespectful; they are in self-preservation mode and need to be brought close and reminded that we love them no matter how they act or what they do.  It does not come naturally to parent that way, because our parenting style has never been to coddle our kids through undesirable behavior.  

It's does take a lot of effort to do things one way with Sophia and Claire, and a different way with Anya and Sasha.  And with school beginning in two weeks, things are bound to get even more challenging!  But we're doing everything we reasonably can to prepare them in the short time that we've had.  Life is about to get a whole lot busier, but we can't wait to see how they learn and grow!  

Sasha's first visit to the pool after getting his cast off his arm!

So by the way, how are the KIDS???

Today it has been 3 weeks since we arrived in Kiev to start living life as a family.  It may seem as if the unfortunate passport situation has overshadowed much of our joy...in our Facebook status updates, emails, and blog entries perhaps.  But not in our "home"!  Yes, we have felt stress and sorrow, but we have tried very hard to do so privately.  When we are with Anya and Sasha, life has been all about them.  And although we have failed to adequately express our joy publicly, believe us, it is there!

So after three weeks, how ARE the children, you ask?

They are incredible.  Really.  They are doing so well with their transition from living in an orphanage to living in a family.  We really couldn't ask for them to be handling it any better!  Sasha is taking it all in stride; you'd never know he'd just experienced such a huge change!  Anya is relishing in the affection and attention, and slowly relinquishing her instinct to "parent" Sasha.  All my worries about how they would handle these role changes were largely unwarranted.

The first week was interesting... There were habits to break (no, kids, you do not need to wear your underwear in the shower) and they had to get used to many things, like the idea that they could have MORE to drink if they wanted it (we went through almost 3 containers of milk the first day).  There were communication barriers to overcome, and I learned WAY more Russian than they learned English.  But we laughed so much!

I can't figure out how we communicate as well as we do.  Yes, we use Google translate a few times a day but I am certainly not walking around with my nose constantly in a Russian/English dictionary.  It just works and I can't explain how!  They speak to me in Russian and somehow I understand what they mean.  I speak to them in English and they eventually figure it out.  The Lord is giving us incredible understanding for one another.  

I am sure that we are going through a honeymoon phase.  I have no doubt that there will be more difficult phases to come, especially as we return home and begin life together as a family of 6.  But I also know that God crafted these delightful, funny, goofy, thoughtful, and affectionate children to be Stinsons, as surely as He did Sophia and Claire.  So we trust Him that He will guide us through whatever challenging times may come, and praise Him for the joyful times that we have had already!  

Seeking out the Blessings

Anya playing with a new friend on our 92nd excursion to a park.

As we passed the 50-day mark this weekend, I was saddened by thoughts of all the things we've been missing at home during these 50 days spent in Ukraine (since April).  I kept having the stereotypical mental picture of a prisoner keeping tally marks on the wall of his prison cell, thinking that my 50-day tally feels just like that.  

Facebook has served a great purpose in helping me to feel connected and delivering encouraging "likes" and comments to me.  There have been many people encouraging us to focus on all the good things that are happening throughout all of this.  I'll admit that it is usually hard (sometimes impossible!) to set aside missing my daughters to see any good that is coming out of our being so delayed here in Ukraine.  But many of you convinced me to try, so here is what we have come up with so far:

1. We've been able to ease Anya and Sasha into the Stinson family gradually, on neutral ground.  We're getting a chance to feel each other out and learn how to communicate BEFORE introducing 2 more All-American girls into the mix.  Hopefully transitioning to a family of 6 will be a little easier because they first had the chance to be a family of 4 in Kiev.
2. Communicating with Anya and Sasha, and establishing our boundaries and expectations as a family, has been a full time job.  If we were home already, Neil would be back to work and I would be doing this alone with all 4 kids already.  We'd be dealing - either directly or indirectly - with inevitable feelings of jealousy from Sophia and Claire.  That will still come, but for now, Neil and I both have been able to devote ourselves fully to Anya and Sasha.  
3. Aside from Sasha's broken arm, which will require a hospital visit in the next week or so if we are still here, our children are healthy and don't require medical attention.  There are families waiting here who have a far greater need to get home than we do.  There are children with medical needs who need to get to the US to be treated.  There is also a father here whose daughter at home is about to have surgery and he can't be there with her.  There is a father here whose older daughter is getting married in two weeks.  There are financial hardships among many families who never anticipated being here this long.  There is a young mother here who brought her 2 toddlers with her... When I think of the needs of some of these families, I know I have no right to complain at all about my situation.
4. We've been able to bond with other adopting families here, including a family from our own church!  The relationship that our kids have already developed with our friends, the McDuffs, will undoubtably help them once we get home and continue to see those familiar faces.  
5. I am blessed that my husband has been able to stay here with me for so long!  
6. We are learning more Russian because we are still immersed in it here, and that's been helpful in communicating with the kids.
7. We are getting to see MUCH, MUCH more of Kiev than we thought we ever would.  We will have lots of pictures and stories to take home for Anya and Sasha.  I have always been saddened by the lack of a history that we will have for them.  This time in Ukraine doesn't make up for the 7 and 9 years that we missed with them, of course, but it gives us a better start than we expected to have.
8. We hear that the animals are lining up 2 by 2 at home, waiting for the ark to show up. The weather was terribly hot during our first week in southern Ukraine, but here in Kiev?  Lovely!  Low humidity, lots of sunshine, and temperatures in the 70's and 80's.  That's been a blessing that has allowed us to get the kids outside every day!
9. We can see how blessed we are with a community of friends and family, near and far,  who are praying for us and checking in with us & Sophia and Claire.
10. Most importantly, when our worry/anxiety/stress/boredom/fear/disappointment/discouragement/sadness overcomes our joy, this has kept us continually turning to the Lord for comfort and strength.  

I think we will continue to see many more blessings to come this week.  The embassy has agreed to our request for a meeting (albeit not until Thursday).  Also, today the embassy requested information from us about our passport applications, so that they could request

for our passports to be some of the first printed.  They have also bent the rules on medical exams to allow us to get them completed prior to having our passports.  I know that their hands are tied on many things, but I'm grateful that they are acknowledging us and our struggles here.  

We just ask for your continued prayers for strength for us, safety and comfort for Sophia & Claire, understanding and patience for Anya & Sasha, wisdom for the US officials helping us, and motivation for the Ukrainian officials who are in a position to help us!

Eating Cheese at the Wall

It's Neil's turn to use the blog as a stress remedy...

We are into our 7^th week in Ukraine since first leaving on April  7^th.  Today is exactly three months from our first appointment with the SDA.  We have accomplished a lot and have just a couple things left to complete so we can bring Anya and Sasha home, but those tasks are still evading us.  We are so blessed by what we have, are able to do, and our freedoms and liberties.  I sit here struggling with feeling irritated that I am not on my way home today as planned.  It gives perspective to the uncertainty that people in Ukraine live with every day.  It seems like some rule, guideline, law, or standard is changing every day.  People here never know what to expect when it comes to dealing with medical or governmental needs.  They just show up, ask questions, muddle through it, and hope they get what they came for.  I guess if this is all you know, maybe it doesn’t seem strange. 

Here is my confession for the day.  I am frustrated.  I have hit my wall, am stressed out and am struggling to give it over to God.  After waiting 12 days now for passports, and after having to change our airplane tickets to a week later than our already conservative departure date, I have hit my wall with delays, issues, and changes.   Thank God for providing the McDuff’s and the other great families we have met here in Kiev, and our prayer warriors back home.  If it wasn’t for them I think my wall would have come, been climbed over and “Berlined” at least a week ago.   I’m in that place where anything can irritate me. 

A short list of items that have stressed us out over the last two weeks:  Passport delays; positive skin reaction to TB tests (both kids); false information, no information, and continually changing information with no good guidance on how to plan; missing Sophie and Claire; and Claire losing a tooth while we are gone.  Yes, somehow not being there when she lost her first top front tooth (not her first tooth even) pushed us over the wall. 

So I’m at my wall this morning, already working on this blog entry, and I get my email with my daily bible verse... and it is this:  I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. — Philippians 4:11.

I could take this two ways.  One as a slap in the face for not being compliant with his plan (although I think I’ve been a good sport so far), or that he is meeting me where I am and giving me guidance.  I think it may be a little bit of both, so I will humble myself, refocus, and continue to bond with my family.  We have had so many great moments over the past week and a half.  I’ll return my focus to nurturing them and praying for guidance on how to show them God’s love and message through acts, words, and a language barrier. 

As the saying goes… “When stuck in a mouse trap, you might as well eat the cheese.”

Dependence Day

Happy July 4th to everyone!  As you all celebrate at home, it is just another day in Ukraine.  But not for the Stinsons.  This is perhaps the most poignant Independence Day we will ever celebrate.  Not only because we appreciate our home country more than ever, but also because we are waiting for our own Independence Day, for the freedom to move forward as a family. 

 

Yesterday we went to the US Embassy in Kiev.  As we drove up and I caught sight of the American flag flying in front of the building, I was overcome with emotion.  After spending so many weeks outside the country, everything that flag represents means so much more to us.  I can hardly wrap my head around the freedoms that we enjoy as Americans.  We like to gripe about politics and media and the price of gas... but most of the time we pay no attention to just how good we have it, in all areas of life! 

 

The most amazing gift that we have been blessed with as Americans is freedom.  We are free to go where we want, when we want.  We are free to pursue any vocation that we want.  We are free to have relationships with anyone, regardless of their class or status.  And most importantly to me, we have the freedom to worship however and whenever and wherever we want. 

We can appreciate our freedom more than ever, given that we are now experiencing what it feels like to NOT be free to come and go as we please.  We are not free to leave Ukraine, and we have absolutely no control over when we WILL be able to leave.  It's out of our hands and all we can do is wait for things to turn around.  If we have learned nothing else through this process, we've learned that God's timing is perfect even when it makes no sense to us!  So we trust him that he has a reason for us to be delayed, and our eyes are wide open to seeing what that might be. 

 

While America is celebrating its independence today, the Stinsons are instead celebrating our dependence, on a God who is bigger than all of these circumstances. 

 

But His word also says, Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. - Matthew 7:7-8  So I've been asking away, and I won't be shy about asking you to pray for us too!  I may be unhappy about being delayed, but I can handle almost everything about it.  The one thing that is breaking my heart however is being separated from Sophia and Claire, with no definite end in sight (and this separation has given me a whole new appreciation for military families).  Even though the girls have been handling it better than I could have ever hoped, I know it is very hard for them to have both their parents away for so many weeks.  It's because of them that I pray incessantly for God to clear the path and allow us to bring Sasha and Anya home soon.  It's time for all the Stinsons to be under one roof!

Toddlerhood 2.0

God knew what he was doing when he put it on my heart to adopt.  He knows that I lack patience for some areas of parenting but find more joy in others.  While I know some mothers who LOVED pregnancy, I was not one of them; I think they must have been slipped something in their epidural to alter their memory.  The ONLY part of being pregnant that I enjoyed was the knowledge that our family was being blessed with a baby.  I could say the same thing about the infant stages.  I adore other people’s babies, but if I’m being honest, I’m just as happy to give them back after a while. 

But TODDLERHOOD… now there’s a different story.  Give me an 18-month-old, or a 2-year-old, or a 3-year-old any day!   I loved this stage of parenting.  While I sometimes heard other moms express frustrations about their child’s budding tantrums or stubbornness (and I’m sure I did on occasion too), I don’t remember a day of toddlerhood that I didn’t absolutely love.  I called it the “age of discovery”… where everything is new and exciting, and children can’t wait to try new things.  Yes, it often meant difficulties and temper tantrums.  But I loved every minute of it. 

In toddlerhood, you start to truly parent your child and have a different relationship with them.  You talk to them constantly, labeling everything you see and do so that they can learn the language.  You are constantly redirecting behaviors, doing so with lots of motions and short sentences that they can understand, like “Ouch!  Biting hurts Mommy!”  Toddlers speak to you with language you often can’t understand, but you’d better figure it out any way you can – sink or swim!  As their parent, you can interpret a toddler’s needs better than anyone… and let’s be honest, a toddler shows her appreciation for all your hard work more than an infant does, and that’s just nice.  Toddlers need toilet training.  You have to watch a toddler every moment because you just never know what they are going to do.  But their unpredictability can also make them hilarious; a toddler will make you laugh about things you’ve never laughed about before.  If I could have had my wish, we would have adopted a toddler. 

Guess what having an child who doesn’t speak the same language as me reminds me of???  After 4 days alone with our kids, I've decided that it reminds me of parenting a toddler. 

 

All those parenting skills you use with your toddler to improve their language, their social skills, their habits?  They are the same ones we are currently digging out of the long-forgotten corners of our parenting bag of tricks.   My kids and I can’t understand each other – it is now our 24/7 job to figure out their needs anyway.  Having less than ideal parenting early in life, and having lived in an institution for the past 2 years, I can’t just assume that they know anything that a 7-year-old and 9-year-old might normally know!  They need to be watched every second because they’re so unpredictable to us.  I can’t assume, for example, that my 7-year-old has the common sense to not touch the stove or run out into the street.  We use lots of gestures and repeat very short phrases to teach them not to do these things, just like you would with a toddler.  We find ourselves once again monitoring bathroom habits to make sure that everyone has indeed used toilet paper, flushed, and washed their hands with soap, and takes off their underwear when they shower!  There's a lot of old habits to undo, whenever the time is right.

I won't pretend that it isn't exhausting and sometimes frustrating... a toddler is at least smaller!  You can wrangle up and confine a toddler if you really need to.  And a toddler has usually been hearing you speak a common language for a while, and they usually understand much more of what we say than we give them credit for!  We don't have that advantage with Anya and Sasha.  I think we must spend 1/2 our day with our noses in a Russian dictionary.  And they are much bigger and stronger than toddlers - it's amazing the things they can get into. 
 

But OH MY GOODNESS, can they make us laugh!  I could write a whole separate blog entry about all the unpredictable and funny things that they have done that have, just like a toddler would do.  My most memorable in these past 4 days was when Anya figured out how to turn on the bidet in the bathroom.  Thank goodness I was in the room – I looked over to find her bending over, hair hanging into it, as if she was going to take a drink.  In my wildest parenting dreams, this is not a sentence I would have anticipated having to use in my parenting: “ANYA, NYET, THAT’S NOT A DRINKING FOUNTAIN, IT’S FOR WASHING YOUR BUTT!!!!!!!” 

 

Thank you God for you sense of humor, and for crafting me into the kind of parent who was made to find joy in this new, more intense version of “toddlerhood” that we are experiencing now!

 

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

 

Where's the Pomp & Circumstance???

We left on Sunday 6/23, just one week after returning home from our 2^nd trip... needless to say, after so much traveling, we are exhausted!  We had a few minor flight delays but we made all our connections and got to Kiev on Monday morning with time to shower, nap, eat, and call the credit card company who put a hold on my card.  Uneventful compared to the possibilities that can happen during international travel - praise God for traveling mercies!  After our 6 hour “layover” in Kiev, we caught a train that night and traveled all night to Melitopol, and then our driver took us the additional 2 hours to Berdyans’k.  It took us 40+ hours from the time we left Raleigh to get to the kids!

We spent Tuesday afternoon and evening running a few errands and hanging out with the kids.  Each time we visit the staff is more comfortable with us and we get to explore and see new areas of the orphanage while we spend time with the kids.  The kids all are truly blessed to have such a dedicated and loving staff. 

Wednesday – the day the court waiting period was over, the day the kids are officially ours, the day we have been waiting for since September! – was actually a little anti-climactic.   The excitement got lost in translation and in the rush.  The day started out at the local court house where we got the official court decree granting us guardianship of sweet Anya and Sasha.  There was a minor delay, but nothing our feisty adoption coordinator couldn’t get fixed in about 90 minutes.  She is truly blessed with the gift of being detail-oriented and not being afraid to ruffle some feathers to get this work done.  As soon as the court decision was given to her she put it in her bag and we ran for the car.  No time for pomp and circumstance!

Three hours later we arrive in Zaporozhe at the birth certificate office.  We did the paper work to get their new birth certificates issued.  Their names are now officially Anna Lynn Stinson and Sasha Thomas Stinson, and we are listed on their official birth certificate as their parents.  But once again, the papers went directly into the folder and into the bag.  No time for pomp and circumstances! 

From the birth certificate office, we went to the tax ID office where they assign the kids ID number to their new name.  This will be needed for the passport process.  Our coordinator completed this with her usual swiftness.  Then we found a notary and got a passport petition made for Anya and Sasha.  The papers with the new ID numbers and the passport petition went directly into the bag.  No time for pomp and circumstance! 

By then it was 4:00 and we hadn’t even had time to eat anything all day, much less see the kids.  We made the long drive back to Berdyans’k to see them for a few minutes before bed.  It had been a busy day for them too.  Sasha went to the doctor to get a follow-up check and X-ray done while we were gone.  The children had been taken for passport photos.  But by the time we got back to the orphanage, it was too late to take the birth certificates and ID numbers to the appropriate offices so that we could officially get them out of the orphanage.  It was not how we imagined our first official day as their legal Mama & Papa would go.  We only had a few minutes with them , and we were hot and sticky and drained from our day of running around in the heat.  No time OR energy for pomp and circumstance. 

On Thursday morning, our coordinator spent the morning running around delivering official copies of the court decree and birth certificates to everyone who needed them.  She also went to pick up the passport photos, and then promptly picked up the children to take them to have new photos taken.  The kids were washed and scrubbed by their caregivers.  They gathered up their few belongings, all of which were things that we have given them, and they were very casually delivered to us.  Still no pomp and circumstance!  We had them change into clothes and shoes that we brought for them so that they could leave the orphanage’s clothes and shoes.  We had them leave a couple big toys we had brought for their friends, trying to explain that they would be too big to carry on the train or plane.  They did this with no arguments at all.  We got to the car to leave and – FINALLY – a little pomp and circumstance:  Hugs for the director, and some pictures. 

We (the 4 of us, plus our coordinator and the driver) squeezed into the small car and drove the 3 hours back to Zaporozhe.  We applied for their new passports, but one of the ID numbers wasn’t set-up in the system correctly, so Alla had to run back to the ID office and get this fixed before we could finish the passport application.

And now we wait for the passports to be printed before we can do anything with the US embassy.  But we got some disappointing news about that… there are some delays with printing passports right now and we can’t predict exactly when they will be ready.  We are waiting until next Tuesday (the next business day because there is a 4-day holiday weekend right now) to hopefully get an update about this.  We are praying that everything will be resolved by then and there will be no delays! 

We had our first dinner together, at a cafeteria where they could choose what they wanted to eat.  They both picked tomato & cucumber salad (It’s summer… Cucumbers are the new cabbage!), potatoes and kielbasa, and strawberry pierogies.  And unfortunately we forgot to take pictures.   After dinner, we went to the train station to wait for our overnight train to Kiev, where we would unfortunately spend our first night together split up in two different train compartments.  As we waited though, we finally remembered to take a few pictures of the kids as we gave them each a gift for our "Gotcha Day"!

 

The past several days have been so lacking in that “pomp and circumstance” that we’re not really expecting it now!  We just transitioned very casually into a family.  I don’t know what we were expecting.  Something grand and ceremonial ?  When you have a new baby, there are so many little milestones and statistics that you pause to savor and document… time of birth, weight, footprints, pictures of every family member holding the baby, that moment when you leave the hospital as a family, the homecoming, first bath, baptism… I could go on and on, because I was one of those sentimental moms that photographed and mentally catalogued EVERYTHING!  We’ve missed all of this with Anya and Sasha.  As I watched Sasha sleep (for the first time) on the train, I cried at everything that we have missed.  Over nine years’ worth of memories and milestones that I will never have and never be able to share with them.  Not one picture or story.  It will overwhelm me with sorrow if I let it, and I have to repeatedly remind myself not to let that happen.  We have RIGHT NOW, and we’re ready to live it and love it. 

Where Church and State Collided

Today we arrived home from our 2nd trip to Ukraine.  We were gone for one week, all for a 2 hour court hearing on Wednesday, June 12th.  This is probably old news for you, but our petition to adopt Anya and Sasha was approved by the judge at our hearing! 

Our coordinator - who believes less is more when it comes to sharing details about what happens in Ukraine - cautioned us to keep the details of our court hearing private, just like she has cautioned us to keep many other things private.  There are a lot of valid reasons for her recommendation, most importantly that what happens in one courtroom in Ukraine can be extremely different from what happens in another courtroom in Ukraine.  And as we've been cautioned many times, it's never a good idea to compare adoptions! 

But there are just some things about going to court this week that we just can't be expected to keep to ourselves!  In retrospect, we could not have expected our court hearing to be any more successful.  We experienced so many blessings in that room, and we could feel the prayers of everyone who has been praying for this day.  There were three of us going to court to petition for Anya and Sasha - the two of us and God. 

A court hearing in a foreign country is stressful.  Your life and motivations are put under a microscope, and you have no idea what the prosecutor or witnesses will ask.  They might be cooperative and your court hearing could be as short as 20 minutes.  The witnesses have the right to ask questions, so alternatively your court hearing could last many hours and include some pretty outrageous questions, depending on the position of the witnesses.  Our hearing felt stressful at the time, but the questions were predictable, and the time that it took was very reasonable considering the fact that we were talking about the futures of two young children! 

We were very blessed that they allowed the kids to stay outside the courtroom for the hearing except for when they needed to come in and answer questions.  This meant that they did not need to be present to hear in detail about how they came to be in the orphanage, or how relatives that they may not even remember have never come forward to take care of them or even visit them.  The kids did a great job of answering questions.  When the judge asked if anyone had any additional questions for them, Anya said "No" and then realized that it wasn't a question for her.  Everyone got a chuckle.  After that, the mood lightened as we finished up.  We have great stories about how everyone reacted to us once the official proceedings were over, but the best is... as she congratulated us, the prosecutor remarked how much the kids look like us and said it must be "from God." 

The bonus of being in town for 4 days for a 2-hour court hearing was seeing and playing with Anya and Sasha for several hours each day.  Since the kids are done with school for the summer, we were able to spend 5 or 6 hours with them each day.  There is a bond there that can only be from God.  Each minute with them is precious and we are starting to understand their personalities more and more.  It is going to be a fun, scary, crazy, exciting, and wild adventure once we get them home!  We can't wait to blog about their growth and transition, in just a few weeks! 

We have been so blessed by all the great people we have met at the orphanage.  They are all great examples of people who are spiritually gifted with children.  We can't understand them, but their passion for these kids is clear to see by the way the children respond to them.  I hope their lives are as blessed by the kids as the kids are blessed by them.

   

James 1:27

Today another stepping stone in our path to adoption was cemented: We got news that Ukraine's SDA has issued their approval to proceed with our court hearing, along with 2 other main documents that we need for court.  These documents are now in the hands of our "team" in Ukraine.  Moments like this lift our spirits and encourage us.  It makes us wonder if these people - most of whom we have never met - realize how much they matter to us and our adoption.  More importantly, we wonder if they know how much they mean to God and His plan.  These people live James 1:27 every day, whether they know it or not: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”
 

We thank and pray for those who are serving us in this adoption, who are definitely warriors for Christ.  On this day after Memorial Day, I wonder how many of Christ’s warriors are being remembered, honored, and prayed for?  Without warriors like the ones on our team, our stepping stones would be boulders.  God would still help us move them because He is God and His will still would be done, but these servants strap on their faith as their armor daily and serve us so our burden can be made easier.
 

It is so easy to forget about everything people are doing on our behalf while entrenched in daily activities and preparing to bring our kids home.  In the last few weeks, we have redecorated a bedroom for Anya and Claire, moved Claire into it, painted Claire's old room for Sasha, received lots of clothing and toys for Sasha thanks to many donations from family and friends, purchased a dresser and two twin bed frames from Craig's List, and now I am painting the bed frames.  Michelle has continued to make preparations for our next two trips, as well as plans for Sophia and Claire for the summer.  We've both made sad attempts to learn a little Russian.  We still have a long list of things we want to do before we return to Ukraine next week, but none are critical.  In reality none of what we have accomplished the last several weeks means anything compared to what other people have been doing for us during this time.  From praying to paperwork, it is all more meaningful than the worldly preparations that have kept us busy on the homefront.

We leave to go back to Ukraine on June 8th, and we are scheduled to be in court on June 12th - it was scheduled so far in advance out of an abundance of caution, to be sure that the required paperwork would be processed in Kiev and forwarded to Berdyan'sk.  Now that we know the paperwork is ready, we are relieved but now impatient to go back.  Just two more weeks until we are with the kids again, ready to take the next step in bringing home our son and daughter! 

 

God is Always on Time

I've heard it said before that it takes 21 days to break an old habit, or to create a new habit.  I've never tested this theory, but after our first trip to Ukraine, I've decided it must be accurate. 

We spent exactly 3 weeks in Ukraine, arriving on April 8th and leaving April 29th.  When we arrived, it would be a major understatement to say that this new country felt very strange.  We've traveled several places throughout Europe, so we didn't think much of the idea of being in another country for an extended visit.  We were too wrapped up in our reason for going there to worry about what it would be like to "live" there for a bit.   

It was intimidating.  We could not understand anything, despite the fact that I actually tried to learn a tiny bit of Ukrainian.  My efforts were actually pretty useless because, as it turns out, everyone speaks Russian - or a hybrid of the two.  We did not hear anyone speaking English, anywhere.  We could not even find street signs in order to attempt to read a map.  Our apartment was, well... different than what we're used to.  Everything seemed to have cabbage in it, and we couldn't read the labels in the grocery store.  Of course, there was the adoption process itself, which made us feel a bit like pawns in a big game... and it felt like no one else was concerned about the outcome of this game except for us (although I know that's not true).  It took us about 5 minutes to realize just how grossly unprepared we were for our time there. 

For the first half of our trip, we just felt lost all the time.  Not just physically, but also spiritually!  We spent 7 months following this path to Ukraine, 100% certain that we were following God's will for our family.  And then... nothing.  The path veared, and we were scrambling.  We felt abandoned, disappointed, and grieving for two girls that were never really ours in a way that we will never be able to make anyone else understand.  We were homesick.  We were doubting ourselves and wondering if maybe we had misinterpreted everything.  And we honestly got tired of hearing that "God's timing is perfect" because that was no longer a comfort.  We seriously considered coming home, and we didn't think anyone at home would fault us if that's what we did.  

We were lost, but these four things we knew:

1. Sophia and Claire were doing just fine and didn't need us to come home, even if that's what we all wanted.
2. Our marriage was definitely strong enough to handle this, and if anything, would only get stronger.  
3. Our family had an ARMY of prayer warriors behind us at home.
4. We KNEW that God brought us to this place, at this time, for a purpose.  It wasn't the purpose we thought it was, but He doesn't make mistakes.  We knew we were supposed to be there, and finally we realized that going home felt like disobedience.   

And so we stayed and requested our 2nd SDA appointment.  We can clearly see how God answered our specific prayers during that time, as well as the prayers of others.  We prayed for God to start speaking to us in English, and He did.  Many people were praying for us to receive clarity, and it came.  We know now that God had been leading us to Berdyans'k, to meet two incredible kids who had been waiting for us. 

As for God's "perfect" timing?  We understand now just how precise and perfect it was, and always will be.  Anya and Sasha became eligible for international adoption days before our 2nd SDA appointment.  We had to be precisely where we were in this process that started 7 months ago in order to be referred to them.  Every time I had decided to overnight a document instead of sending it through regular mail, it affected the outcome.  The timing of every person who wrote a letter or filled out a form on our behalf affected the outcome.  Every form that had a mistake, every form that needed to be done over again, affected the outcome.  Every annoying little delay affected the outcome. 

A million little pieces fell together perfectly to bring us to Anya and Sasha.  We will never doubt God's timing again.

Neil and I will never be the same after this experience.  As hard as it was to be in Ukraine at first, by the end of our 3 weeks, we were reluctant to go home.  Not only for the obvious reasons, but we'd also grown accustomed to being there.  All the parts that felt strange and intimidating at first, no longer felt quite so foreign to us.  Coming home, as wonderful as it was to see our girls, felt weird.  I stood in my kitchen at 1:00 AM after getting home from the airport, looking at our granite counters... and thinking how ridiculous they seem.  The contents of my children's closets - ridiculous.  The clothes dryer - ridiculous.  The fact that there's much more than just cabbage and salami in our refrigerator - ridiculous.  Even the fact that I can brush my teeth with the tap water feels like a luxury after just 3 weeks. 

I think these altered perspectives are a good thing.  I just hope that 21 days is enough to make them stick for a lifetime.  But for good measure we'll go back a few more times. 

Mama, Papa... Telephone?

What an incredible, pivotal week for the Stinsons!  The only thing that would have made it better would be if Sophia and Claire could have been a part of it too.  We think it would have been good for them to meet Anya and Sasha on their turf.  But without Sophia and Claire here, we were able to spend a lot of one-on-one time with the kids and start the bonding process.  This was critical for everything that had to happen throughout the week. 

We met the kids on Monday, and we were able to visit them twice that day.  We found out quickly that they are playful, happy, curious, and loving children.  The kids seemed unsure of us at first... until they discovered Neil’s cell phone.  We bonded over Angry Birds – of all things! – before they moved on to listening to music and taking photos of random things.  By the end of the first day, they were sitting in our laps and even called us Mama and Papa a couple of times.  Everyone was happy to see the fast connection we had with each other.  It led to an amazing week for us… and an amazingly busy week for our regional coordinator, who accomplished SO much for us this week.  She’s an angel and SO MUCH of this week would not have been possible without her!

Tuesday started with a huge hug from Sasha.  He came in and hugged Michelle for a solid, long minute or two before finally letting go.  It was like he was relieved that we really did come back!  Go ahead, picture how much this Mama was melting, because she was.  Almost-9-year-old Anya joined a few minutes later with a quick hug for each of us and then she started to explore to see what we brought with us.   She figured out on day one that Mama’s purse was full of interesting stuff.  We spent a couple hours with our kids working on puzzles, coloring, listening to music, and playing games.  We didn’t understand each other most of the time, and we only recognize a few Russian words, so lots of gesturing was required. 

Some practical advice: Don’t challenge anyone who has adopted internationally to a game of charades.  

And this is how the rest of our week progressed.  Every day we were able to visit the children for a few hours when they were done with their school lessons.  We watched them come out of their shells a little more every day, trying harder and harder to communicate with us.  We could easily see the bond between the two of them, and we could only imagine all the circumstances they’ve been through that led to their bond being what it is! 

 

Every day we brought small gifts and candy for them, which helped us break the ice.  We learned how focused and task-oriented Sasha is – he loves to build and figure things out.  Can't wait to buy that boy some Legos.  We also learned that he’s goofy and incredibly lovable; we think he and Claire are going to be partners in crime.  We learned that Anya is a typical tween, more interested in painting nails, braiding hair, or drawing than she is interested in games or toys.  Two "tween" girls almost the same age in our house???  It will be interesting to see how Anya and Sophia get along.  Anya really likes getting her way and can be a little bossy with Sasha, but is also protective and generous with him – we watched her give Sasha her juice because he drank all of his quickly, and she made sure that he got exactly the same amount any candy that we brought for them. 

Watching the two of them together, each of them knowing that the other is the only blood relative that they can count on… THIS was why we felt SO strongly about adopting siblings!  They need to stay together, but they each deserve to be kids, knowing they have a family who loves them unconditionally and will take care of them.   

The hardest part was seeing all the other children that aren't coming home with us when all this is over.  They deserve the unconditional love of a family every bit as much as Sasha and Anya.  Every day we also brought snacks for the kids to take back to their class for the other kids… sadly, you can think of it as a peace offering, because the inevitable question that all these sweet, healthy, beautiful children will have for Sasha and Anya is, “Why you and not me?” 

On Thursday we arrived and were ushered to a small auditorium, where the children can have performances and watch movies.  Completely unbeknownst to us, they were doing a sort of variety show, with songs and readings and dancing.  Sasha came to us and hopped up on Papa’s lap to watch, but Anya was nowhere to be found.  Turns out she was dancing in the show!  It was priceless that her family could be there to watch her and take pictures. 

Needless to say, goodbye wasn’t easy.  Watching realization dawn on their faces as it was explained to them that we have to go home now… that was terrible.  Unbelievably, Mama and Papa held it together so that the kids wouldn’t get too upset.  But the look on Sasha's face when he heard this news... we will not be able to get that expression out of our heads until we can get back to him again.   

So now we are back in Kiev again.  Unfortunately, we couldn't get a flight home until Monday.  We can't wait to see Sophia and Claire and our friends and family again... but it's going to be so strange to get back to our former routines at home.  But this is what we will have to do for quite a few weeks, until we can come back for our court date. 

 

Please pray with us that their hearts will be held, encouraged, and comforted by their heavenly Father until their Mama and Papa can get back to them.  They are blessed to be with loving caregivers who want the best for them, and they are blessed to have eachother.  And please also pray with us that the Lord would give guidance and wisdom to everyone that has a part in preparing our family for the next several stages of our journey.  Getting our family ready to encounter Ukraine was a lengthy process, and it feels like we've been here forever... but really our family's journey is just beginning!