Borshch and Cabbage Rolls and Dumplings, Oh My!

Stuck in Chernihiv all weekend, with nothing much to do but sit around our hotel room because it's raining.  Thank goodness we brought reading material, we never imagined having so much free time on our hands!  Finally the rain slowed down this afternoon, so we took a walk in downtown Chernihiv, and had a nice dinner out.  We finally got to try some more traditional Ukrainian food...

Borshch (served with sour cream, as was everything... our coordinator joked with us that there are two kinds of people in Ukraine... those who put a little sour cream on their food and those who put a little food in their sour cream)

Cabbage Rolls with pork and sour cream

 

 Pork dumplings (pierogies)

 

 Cherry dumplings (pierogies)

 

 Pickled vegetables, including tomatoes and cabbage

Dear God, we can’t understand you. Are you speaking Ukrainian or Russian?

And while we’re chatting, God, where in the world have you taken us?  This can’t possibly be the path you meant for us to take.  We must have misunderstood your directions and taken a wrong turn.  There are broken & muddy roads, carts being pulled by horses, chickens and dogs coming and going as they please throughout these little towns.  You could not have possibly meant for me to have to pee in a hole in the floor.  A hole in the floor!  And that was inside a government building.  Seriously, God, perhaps you forgot I am an American.  We don’t live like this.  What reason could you have possibly had for showing us all of this???

And let’s talk about all the disappointment we’ve experienced since we got here.  We could have sworn that it was you who was leading us here, and you allowed us to believe for almost 7 months that we needed to hurry up because our daughters were waiting for us.  Well, in case you missed all our tears since Wednesday, it didn’t turn out like that.  Why would you allow that?  Our grieving was like nothing we’ve ever experienced.  In fact, that whole meeting on Wednesday felt like a disaster, and none of the kids that were shown to us were what WE were looking for.  Surely you couldn’t have meant for that to happen.

Yesterday we met the two that we DID get a referral to meet.  They are brother and sister, but don’t live in the same orphanage, don’t even know each other.  In fact, we had to drive over 3 hours to get from one to the next.  It was hard enough to visit one orphanage; it’s truly a heartbreaking experience.  Did you really mean for us to have to visit TWO orphanages in one day???  It was emotionally exhausting. 

But to make matters worse, the 2^nd orphanage was a “special needs home.”  The children in this home had needs far greater than anything we ever considered.  It makes the diabetes that we were prepared for seem like a common cold.  We were not told everything about this girl when we accepted the referral; we had no idea that her needs were so great.  We didn’t know that she was still in diapers at 9 years old, that she exists in her own small world, that not only can she not speak but she also can’t understand most of what is said to her.  We wouldn’t have bothered to go if we had known.  We were not prepared to experience this.  God, why would you want us to go there???

We also were not prepared for the beautiful smile that greeted us when she walked in the room.  We were not prepared to connect with this little girl or enjoy her so very, very much.  We were not prepared for the decision about whether we could accept her needs to be SO difficult.  We were not prepared to WANT to go back to that heart-breaking place a second time today to spend more time with her.  We were not prepared to even consider what it would put our family through – what it would mean to Sophia and Claire – if we brought home this girl and her brother (who also had some special needs of his own). 

Most of all, we were not prepared for how much we are grieving (again) this evening after choosing to decline the referral for these two children. 

I guess now that I’m thinking about it, God, maybe you had your reasons for sending us on this scattered, emotional journey.  Maybe you wanted us to see how simply people live throughout most of the rest of the world, compared to us.  Maybe this spoiled American needed to see it all firsthand.  Maybe you wanted us to see a child that we would not have chosen to see, if the choice had truly been ours.  Maybe you wanted us to see how much we are willing to at least consider.  Maybe this has been in preparation for the next phase. 

Maybe you wanted us to see how far our hearts could truly be opened.    

How do we say “Yes” to you when you’re calling us to adopt, while also saying “No” to any of these precious children?  What do we do when our hearts say yes and our minds say no?  Does "taking an orphan's hand" need to mean physically taking their hand and taking them home?  What does moving forward in faith look like next?  We have so many questions that we can’t conceive the answers for.  We’re going to be still and listen for you this weekend, God, and we sure are hoping you’ll switch to English now.

Now we have to go back to the hole-in-the-bathroom-floor government building on Monday morning, to sign the official papers to decline this referral, before going back to Kiev and deciding what to do next.  This time I’ll know to use the bathroom before we leave the hotel, because seriously God, that bathroom was the one thing that I really didn’t need to experience on this trip.

Show me your ways, O Lord,

Teach me your paths;

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

For you are God my Savior,

And my hope is in you all day long.

Psalm 25:4-5

Grieving, Praising, and Moving Forward in Faith

We had our appointment with the SDA today, the appointment we have been waiting for since September, the day when we would get a referral to meet our children.  We have read about it, imagined it, prayed about it, and talked about it many times.  We were moved into action by two little girls named Tatiana and Margarita - they stole our hearts and we thought of them as our daughters.   

Our prayers have always included that, if we were not meant to be their parents, that they would quickly find the loving home that God has planned for them.  That's the prayer that seems to have been answered.  The SDA did not have record of Tatiana and Margarita.  Either they were adopted by a Ukrainian family, or other guardians - perhaps family - were found for them.  So today we are grieving the loss of these two girls who we considered our daughters, but praising God that they are hopefully taken care of.  They will continue to be in our prayers for a long time to come. 

We have prayed many times for God to use us in the process, that he would continue to form us from miry clay for his purpose and glory (Psalm 40:2).  It is hard right now to be reformed after 7 months of preparing our hearts, home, and family for 2 specific girls.  But it's time for us to move forward and close this chapter and re-open our hearts to His reasons for bringing us here.  We owe that to the children we are about to meet.  Please pray with us that through His will, guidance, and care that this is possible, not just for us but for our entire family.  We are grieving - hard - today, and I can imagine that Sophia and Claire will be grieving in their own ways too, when they get this update. 

We spent an obsenely short amount of time at the SDA, considering our reason for being there.  We spend more time at the grocery store choosing which food to buy.  We were quickly presented with about 5 sibling groups, and then 3 individual girls, before we just ran out of time and we had to decide who we would go visit.  The kids were presented very fast with a description of their mental and physical conditian, age, gender, and any additional special notes if available.  We narrowed it down to 2 sibling groups, but how do you quickly choose which one to go visit?  We did so almost randomly, and we are trying hard to trust God that He knows what we are doing here, because today, we don't feel like we know what we are doing here. 

We chose a brother & sister in southern Ukraine, and were warned that the orphanage director is tough on foreigners.  A few hours later, Konstantin called us to say that he was stopping by our apartment to give us an update.  He told us that it was more complicated than just a "tough director" and that adoption of these two kids would be almost impossible.  Of the few children we learned about today, more than half of them had "complicated" circumstances that would make it difficult for us to adopt them.  Konstantin informed us that his families usually have better options to choose from, that our appointment was unusual.... Lucky us. 

So within hours of our SDA appointment, we were already moving on to Plan B.  (We were warned many times to be flexible, and they weren't kidding!)  We are instead going to visit a different brother/sister sibling group in Chernihiv, on Friday.

We move forward from here in faith that God will give us direction and continue to help us find the kids that he has already planned for our family.

Stay Calm and Kiev On...



 Today is our second day in Kiev, and it's probably the only day of our whole trip that our schedule doesn't revolve around the adoption.  Today was our "buffer" day, just in case there were flight delays, and to give us a day to adjust to the time change and get our game face on!

We wanted to relax today because our emotions are all over the place right now.  We're feeling excited and overwhelmed by being here.  We're nervous about what will happen at the SDA appointment tomorrow, and we're anxious to know which direction the ball will roll from there.  We miss Sophia & Claire, and I (for one) am a little homesick.  And we're intimidated by this city!!!  We've traveled in Europe several times before, but never have we felt so disoriented and uncertain.  All my efforts to become familiar with the Ukrainian language have been completely useless to me here. 

Luckily, Konstantin was able to recommend an English-speaking tour guide, so we enjoyed our one free day by taking in some of the city of Kiev.  It is a beautiful European city.  One might mistake some sights, like the square in front of St. Sophia church, for another European city, like Italy.  Unlike other areas of Europe, however, you won't find many original buildings.  Most of what you see, even of the "historic" sights, are replicated because the originals were destroyed.  Our guide gave us a crash course in Ukraine's ever-changing and sometimes turbulant history.  Also unlike other cities in Europe, you will not see many tourists, and you especially won't hear anyone else speaking English.  I felt like I was walking around with a giant American flag painted on my face. 

Ukraine's Ministry of Foreign Affairs building - we were told that there were supposed to be many more buildings like this one built by Stalin, framing Kiev's very own version of the Red Square.  St. Michael's church is next door to this building, creating quite a contrast.  St. Michael's was torn down to make room for more buildings like this one, and was just rebuilt after Ukraine regained independence. 

 

The People's Friendship Arch built in 1982 to represent

the unification of Russia and Ukraine

 

 

Майдан Незалежності - Independence Square, our "home base"

and point of reference for finding our way back to our apartment! 

 

 

Recreation of the "Golden Gate" which was one of three entrances to the city of Kiev almost 1000 years ago, with a statue of Yaroslav the Wise holding St. Sophia Cathedral

 

 

The bell tower of St. Michael's

 



 

 

 

 

Preparing for Take-Off

We're sitting in a Starbucks in Amsterdam, waiting over 3 hours for our connection to Kiev.  It's 6 a.m. on Monday morning here, but our bodies are telling us that it is midnight.  We're exhausted, but we still have hours and hours to go before we're settled in Kiev. 

A week ago we were busy celebrating our risen Christ with our family in Pennsylvania, and waiting patiently to hear from the SDA about our upcoming appointment.  Based on others’ experiences and counseling from our adoption agency we knew the time would soon be coming, and then we would have a couple weeks to prepare to be on our way.  Well… instead it has been an exhilarating rush to get ready since Monday.  We were given one week to be in Ukraine.  We will have our SDA appointment on 04/10/2013 at 9:00am.

We got our official invite Monday (04/01/2013) via e-mail.  Well, Michelle got the e-mail.  I got the news by way of shrieks, and frantic shaking of hand held technology.  She didn’t let me down with her reaction.  I am so blessed to have been there for it.  God’s timing is perfect because on a usual Monday I would have long been at work when Olga’s e-mail came in.  The joy, excitement, and panic that was seen on Michelle’s face within seconds was priceless as she cycled through the same response over and over for about 10 minutes before it caught up with her that we would have to start traveling in less than a week.

The van was converted into Michelle’s mobile office and off we went Monday morning.  In the first three hours after receiving the e-mail she booked our travel, made countless other phone calls and contacts, and created the master list of to dos.  I got off easy and just kept the wheels between the ditches. 

Throughout the week Michelle prepared the house, girls, and made countless arrangements.  I made arrangements at work and prepared everything I could to be gone for a few weeks.  Friday and Saturday we spent time with Sophie and Claire, packed, repacked, and packed again, lamenting over what to take for us, the orphanage, director, others who help us along the way, and most importantly for Tatiana and Rita. 

We wished Sophie and Claire good bye about 13 hours ago, and they seem a world away right now.  We can't wait to be able to call them soon with some news! 

While We're Waiting...

The song While I'm Waiting by John Waller is constantly going through my head.  Six months is not a long time at all, for adoption.  But it feels like a very long time, knowing that our children are out there, out of our reach for now.  It's sometimes heartbreaking, and often it takes all the strength I have to leave them in God's hands.  We were channeling all that energy into preparing our home study and dossier up until now.  But now that the dossier is in the hands of the State Department of Adoptions in Ukraine, I can't do anything for our daughters except pray, and ask others to pray for them too.   

 

We've been praying for our girls for years, actually.  I remember when Claire was a baby, more than 6 years ago, I was telling someone about our hope to adopt someday.  It dawned on me suddenly, like lightning and thunder right there in the middle of a bookstore, that I might already have a child somewhere in the world!  At that very moment, our child or children could already have been born into a family that, for whatever reason, wouldn't or couldn't take care of them. 

 

Only God knew who, and where, and when, and what they would have to endure on their journey to get to our family.  I've spent the last 6 years since then asking God to take care of our kids, if they were already in this world. 

 

It turns out that I was right.  At that moment 6 years ago, Tatiana was already 2 years old.  We don't know if she was happy, or healthy, or already diagnosed with diabetes at that time.  We don't know who took care of her, or how well they took care of her.  We may never know exactly what we missed.  We just have to trust that they were in God's hands, and that His timing was, and is, perfect. 

 

So we've been waiting to find them for a long time, and they've been waiting for us for a long time... And God's been waiting for us to finally be obedient to Him for a really long time. 

 

So compared to all of that, these next few weeks of waiting REALLY aren't that long after all. 

 

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y

Whac-A-Mole for Dummies

I had an epiphany today, while I was sobbing and driving home from yet another waste of time errand... I am stuck in one giant game of Whac-A-Mole.  Every time I think I have everything with the adoption process under control, something unexpected pops up.  I'm in the middle of whacking that mole at the upper left corner, and I'm thinking that the one in the middle should pop up next.  But out of the corner of my eye, I see the one in the lower right pop up unexpectedly, and I can't get to it in time.  And I think the game should have been over by now, but more moles keep popping up!  That is precisely what this feels like. 


It's very hard to find the right words to describe what these last few months of preparing our home study and dossier have been like.  There was an exciting sense of community at the beginning, but now it's a little isolating because it feels like there is exactly ONE other person in the world who understands how complicated, frustrating, and unpredictable this can be.  My friend (who is also adopting from Ukraine) and I have agreed that there should be better step-by-step instructions on how to go through this process, and joked that maybe I should write a book.  If I ever do, I'm going to title it Whac-A-Mole for Dummies.