Dear God, we can’t understand you. Are you speaking Ukrainian or Russian?

And while we’re chatting, God, where in the world have you taken us?  This can’t possibly be the path you meant for us to take.  We must have misunderstood your directions and taken a wrong turn.  There are broken & muddy roads, carts being pulled by horses, chickens and dogs coming and going as they please throughout these little towns.  You could not have possibly meant for me to have to pee in a hole in the floor.  A hole in the floor!  And that was inside a government building.  Seriously, God, perhaps you forgot I am an American.  We don’t live like this.  What reason could you have possibly had for showing us all of this???

And let’s talk about all the disappointment we’ve experienced since we got here.  We could have sworn that it was you who was leading us here, and you allowed us to believe for almost 7 months that we needed to hurry up because our daughters were waiting for us.  Well, in case you missed all our tears since Wednesday, it didn’t turn out like that.  Why would you allow that?  Our grieving was like nothing we’ve ever experienced.  In fact, that whole meeting on Wednesday felt like a disaster, and none of the kids that were shown to us were what WE were looking for.  Surely you couldn’t have meant for that to happen.

Yesterday we met the two that we DID get a referral to meet.  They are brother and sister, but don’t live in the same orphanage, don’t even know each other.  In fact, we had to drive over 3 hours to get from one to the next.  It was hard enough to visit one orphanage; it’s truly a heartbreaking experience.  Did you really mean for us to have to visit TWO orphanages in one day???  It was emotionally exhausting. 

But to make matters worse, the 2^nd orphanage was a “special needs home.”  The children in this home had needs far greater than anything we ever considered.  It makes the diabetes that we were prepared for seem like a common cold.  We were not told everything about this girl when we accepted the referral; we had no idea that her needs were so great.  We didn’t know that she was still in diapers at 9 years old, that she exists in her own small world, that not only can she not speak but she also can’t understand most of what is said to her.  We wouldn’t have bothered to go if we had known.  We were not prepared to experience this.  God, why would you want us to go there???

We also were not prepared for the beautiful smile that greeted us when she walked in the room.  We were not prepared to connect with this little girl or enjoy her so very, very much.  We were not prepared for the decision about whether we could accept her needs to be SO difficult.  We were not prepared to WANT to go back to that heart-breaking place a second time today to spend more time with her.  We were not prepared to even consider what it would put our family through – what it would mean to Sophia and Claire – if we brought home this girl and her brother (who also had some special needs of his own). 

Most of all, we were not prepared for how much we are grieving (again) this evening after choosing to decline the referral for these two children. 

I guess now that I’m thinking about it, God, maybe you had your reasons for sending us on this scattered, emotional journey.  Maybe you wanted us to see how simply people live throughout most of the rest of the world, compared to us.  Maybe this spoiled American needed to see it all firsthand.  Maybe you wanted us to see a child that we would not have chosen to see, if the choice had truly been ours.  Maybe you wanted us to see how much we are willing to at least consider.  Maybe this has been in preparation for the next phase. 

Maybe you wanted us to see how far our hearts could truly be opened.    

How do we say “Yes” to you when you’re calling us to adopt, while also saying “No” to any of these precious children?  What do we do when our hearts say yes and our minds say no?  Does "taking an orphan's hand" need to mean physically taking their hand and taking them home?  What does moving forward in faith look like next?  We have so many questions that we can’t conceive the answers for.  We’re going to be still and listen for you this weekend, God, and we sure are hoping you’ll switch to English now.

Now we have to go back to the hole-in-the-bathroom-floor government building on Monday morning, to sign the official papers to decline this referral, before going back to Kiev and deciding what to do next.  This time I’ll know to use the bathroom before we leave the hotel, because seriously God, that bathroom was the one thing that I really didn’t need to experience on this trip.

Show me your ways, O Lord,

Teach me your paths;

Guide me in your truth and teach me,

For you are God my Savior,

And my hope is in you all day long.

Psalm 25:4-5