A Footnote to Our Day of Grieving

There were a lot of tears, prayers, and questions one year ago today.

We walked into the SDA office in Kiev at 9:00 a.m. that morning with excitement, nervousness, and hope.  It was time to officially get the referral for our daughters!  We walked out one hour later with grieving hearts and temporarily diminished faith.  The two little girls, who had been loved by our family as daughters and sisters for 7 months, were not among the files set before us in that office.  We were offered no explanation; we just had to move on with the business of looking at other children's files.  We had numbly chosen two other children to meet, but we were barely thinking about them on this day.

It's impossible to describe how you can grieve for two children who you've never even met.  I've never experienced pregnancy loss, but I'm going to be bold - and pray that I don't offend anyone - and say that I believe that the grief we felt was probably similar.  I've thought a lot about that over the past year, and talked with a few people who have had miscarriages; I really think that's the best way to make people understand how it felt to be told that "our" girls would never be coming home with us.  I may not have been physically pregnant, but the love we felt for them was exactly the same as how we had felt for baby Sophia and baby Claire as we had anticipated their arrivals.  We prayed for a long time for these girls and prepared our home and family for them.  We prepared Sophia and Claire for their new sisters and talked about them every day as if they had always been part of our family.  We shared the news with family and friends and rejoiced as everyone shared in our excitement.  We decorated their bedroom and filled their closet with clothes, just like you would for a new baby.  We sent them letters and gifts to introduce our family to them and let them know that they were already deeply loved.  We were already a family of six before we ever got on a plane.  

Despite our grief, of course, we eventually moved forward in faith and God introduced us to our Anya and Sasha.  I don't think that anyone who has seen our family in action could deny that God knew what He was doing.  Through the good days as well as the hard ones, they just fit with us.  But the truth is that Tanya and Rita still - always - hold an irreplaceable spot in the fabric of our family.  I will probably always pause on April 10th to quietly reflect on that tearful day, thank God for his wisdom and guidance, and pray over the sweet girls who brought us to Ukraine and to our son and daughter.  

Not Every Child is Unreachable

I am beside myself.  

Some neighbors are running in and out of the house playing.  As usual, I have asked everyone to stay out of the bedrooms because Alex gets quite territorial about his space and his toys.  Not so long ago, there were plenty of episodes of shutting down or getting angry because someone touched something that Alex didn't want them to touch.  Which was everything - he didn't want to share anything, and we couldn't blame him for his inexperience with sharing because he'd never had anything to share before.  If he did have something he wanted to keep, the only option was to hide it, hoard it, and hang onto it for dear life.  You certainly didn't share it, because you'd never see it again.

So to avoid the trigger, we keep his bedroom door closed when friends are in the house.  

This afternoon, Alex has impressed me; he calmly showed his friend how to play with a new toy that he recently got for his birthday.  He also invited them to play Skylanders on the Wii with him, which is something he doesn't like to share.  Then one of our friends asked if they could play on a DS.  Alex voluntarily offered his up.  And then he said something that absolutely blew me away... 

He gave his friend instructions for where to find it in his bedroom.  

His English as he spoke was impressive, and I marveled at how he could give someone directions on where to find something.  But far more impressive was that Alex was giving someone permission to go into his bedroom, unsupervised, to get one of his most prized possessions.  I almost fell to the floor in tears.  

We struggle so much with how to guide Alex and Anya, how to teach them gently, how to undo years of less than adequate guidance and care.  We second-guess every decision that we make and over analyze every choice we face.  We wonder how long it will take, if ever, for them to overcome their coping mechanisms.  Some days, I feel helpless to help them.  Some days are really hard.

But most days are not.  Most days, I am amazed at not only how far they've come, but also at how minimal their issues really are.  There should be so many more struggles, so many more hardships, given everything they've been through.  The one we hear about most often is Reactive Attachment Disorder, but there's a whole list of other syndromes and symptoms that could - and maybe should - be plaguing our household.  And there's no guarantee that more issues will not creep up in the months and years to come.  But so far, problems have been minimal, understandable, and often predictable.

I say all this because, despite how we want to believe that adoption is a "happily ever after" affair, the difficulties of adopting are often plastered all over mass media.  It is the truth; children who are abused or neglected are sometimes incapable of being rescued and loved the way that we adoptive parents hope.  I've read blog after blog, article after article, to this effect: We want to save them, and sometimes they can't be saved.  My fear is that this may scare potential adoptive parents away from taking a risk.  

What I want people to know is that not every child is unreachable.  Not every child is damaged beyond repair.  There are success stories.  Our kids, who have experienced things in their young lives that we will never fully grasp, are proof of this.  Some days are difficult and emotional, but just 5 months after we walked out of that orphanage on June 27th, I truly believe that Anya and Alex will be a 100% a success story. My children are making very visible progress.  They are capable of giving and receiving affection.  They are bonding in very real ways with us, with friends, with extended family, with teachers.  They are learning to cope and express themselves more appropriately.  It's a gift to watch all of this unfold, and I pray that we will continue to watch it unfold for a very long time to come.

Yes, there are no guarantees, and not every adopted child will thrive or make their adoptive family a happier family.  But every child deserves for someone to take that chance on them.

A Work In Progress

I was throwing dinner together last night when my world was unexpectedly turned upside down.  Alex was playing the Wii, Claire was wandering around the backyard, Sophia was getting ready to run out the door for Girl Scouts, and Anya had just finished doing math homework with her new Russian-speaking tutor.  For the first time since school began, it's a relatively good evening and I think we're going to make it through the school year!  I was in the kitchen, and Anya walked by on the other side of the counter... when out of nowhere, she begins to tell me things that we didn't know about her Mama and Papa in Ukraine.  

Needless to say, dinner was forgotten and I swept that little girl into the living room and up into my lap, ready to hear everything that she had to say... Did you know that if you let hot dogs boil long enough, they just disintegrate?  That's what happened to the kids' dinner.  

What's interesting about Anya's admissions, and her timing, is how I had prayed yesterday morning.  Anya is a challenge to me - I turn away from almost every encounter with her feeling like I've failed.  Twenty-four hours ago, I was praying specifically for God to help me connect with her.  I was praying for God to give me more patience with her, and to guide me in my reactions to her behaviors and needs.  And to be quite honest, I was praying for God to take away some of my frustration and replace it simply with more love.

God heard me.  He certainly delivered.  There is nothing, NOTHING, in the world like hearing about your own child's abuse and neglect to give you a new perspective.  It's something I wouldn't wish on any parent, but it stirred emotions in me that I didn't even know were possible.  The end result was exactly what I had been praying for earlier that day.  Thank you God.

Anya shared with us things we didn't know about her family life.  We had been told that she and Alex were neglected, and abandoned by their alcoholic mother.  We understand now that they endured much, much more than that, at the hands of an alcoholic father that we didn't even know was in the picture.  It raises so many questions for me - Is this why their mother drank, to cope?  Or as a defense mechanism, because if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?  Was she possibly intentional in her decisions to not bring the children home from their boarding school on weekends & holidays?  Might she have even done what she did to protect them?  Is this why she took the unusual step of voluntarily signing away her rights, when most parents in her situation go to court?  Did she love them more than we thought she did?  Or was she just like their father?  

I want to ask her why she didn't let them go sooner.  I want to scream at her for ever letting their father hurt them.  I want to beg her to love them like I do.  I want to demand to know why she didn't feel it was necessary to take care of or PROTECT them.  I want to tell her how much she has hurt them and affected who they are.  I wonder if she cares?

But most of all, I just want to thank her for letting them go without a fight, and thank God for watching over them until they could be united with us.  I'll never get to ask their birth mother all of these questions.  My new, revised prayer today is for strength for me to move past these questions and let them go, and guidance as Neil and I help them to overcome everything that has happened to them.  

It's hard to believe that today is the 3-month anniversary of our "Gotcha Day."  It's gone by so fast and we are so blessed that Anya already feels like she can share these painful things with us.  Now that the floodgates have been opened, I'm sure they will have more to tell.  I'm sure we will learn more about their past, and learn more about what they really need from us.  There will be so much more to overcome and so many more challenges ahead.  

We are a work in progress... but then again, what family isn't?

Having Patience When We're a Decade Behind the Curve

My wonderful, supportive husband, who only wants the best for me and our family, e-mailed the above graphic and verse to me today.  And knowing me the way that he does, he hit the nail on the head as usual... and as I'm sure he knows, that made me want to kick him.  It's a good thing that his slow-to-anger, even temper usually balances out my quick, erratic temper.

Patience is not a virtue that I possess in abundance.  I imagine that God often helps us improve our inadequacies by placing us in situations where we really need to use and hone those skills!  In my case, He's really outdone himself.  Not only did He give me 2 more children, but He also led us to children who do not speak any English.  Then for good measure, He also made us sit around Ukraine for an extra couple of weeks waiting to bring them home.  

And it worked... by the end of that ordeal in Ukraine, I felt like a new woman.  Patience? Check.  Cured of my Type A personality? Check.  We were home, we were together, we were blending and getting to know each other, and life was good.  A few weeks later however, as the honeymoon phase is ending, I realize how foolish I was to have thought that I'd been cured of my impatience and quick temper.  I've also realized how much work we still have to do, and how much time it could still take, for our family to fully blend.  

A recent incident involving a bathroom dispute between the kids proved to me that I still have a long way to go in how I react to all of them.  In the end, a toothbrush was used as a weapon against my youngest, who was in tears, most likely because her feelings were hurt more than anything.  The situation did not end well: the protective "Mama Bear" in me lost her temper in defense of her "cub", and thank goodness that their level-headed father walked onto the scene to help diffuse the bomb.

All 4 of them are my children - I honestly LOVE all 4 of them the same.  I guess I assumed my instinct to protect would be equally strong for all of them too, right out of the gate.  But - full disclosure - the truth is that I instinctively react differently when a situation involves Sophia or Claire, both of whom I've nurtured, loved, protected, advocated for, educated, and prayed over for the last decade.  And while I now do the same for Anya and Alex, my instinct just hasn't caught up to the level that it is for Sophia and Claire.  As a mother, that's a hard truth for me to admit, and it makes me feel very guilty.  I knew it wouldn't happen overnight, but we still have a long way to go in continuing to grow our parent/child relationships with Anya and Alex, as well as sibling relationships between all the kids.  And that will take a lot of patience, thinking before I speak, and temper management.

In the meantime, school has begun and so has homework... What better way to continue working on improving my patience?  

August 26, 2013 - First Day of School

They're HOME!!!

Ten months ago, an email about an 8-year-old girl set into motion a very unexpected chain of events that led us to Ukraine.  Seven months of paperwork and waiting brought us to a heartbreaking appointment in Kiev on April 10th...at the exact same time that a different pair of siblings were about to become eligible for international adoption.  One week, two referrals, and many unbearable hours of driving later, God finally revealed to us where He had actually been leading us all along.  

As it turned out, God had some Stinson kids waiting for us in a little coastal town along the Sea of Azov.

Together at last! - at Raleigh Durham International Airport on July 24, 2013

Three months and one drama-filled delay later, we finally brought Anna Lynn and Alexander Thomas home to America on July 24th.  Words can not describe how incredible it felt to be back on American soil and FINALLY be able to introduce our children to each other!!!  Seeing them all in the rear view mirror, sitting together in the back seat of the car on the way home from the airport - it was an amazing feeling that has not yet lifted.  

Every day since then has been full of the unexpected, full of challenges, and full of joy like I never imagined.  How can I adequately express the feeling of love when one of them says "Thank you Mama" or "I love you Mama"?  How can I adequately express the feeling of frustration when I can't figure out how to "adjust" an unwanted behavior?  How can I adequately express the feeling of joy that fills me whenever I watch them experience something new?

Those new experiences are still happening daily, and it is just so much fun to see their reactions.  One of my favorites was the first several times Neil left messages on the answering machine; they ran into the kitchen and started saying "Hi Papa!" to the answering machine, and were so puzzled when he didn't answer back.  When I ordered pizza from Domino's this week, they were speechless when the pizza just showed up at our house!  They still look at us like we were crazy when we ask them to close the back door behind them when they go outside to play.  And I love how we've already seen a transition in attitude - from confused, to embarrassed, to indignant, to now (sometimes) glad - about giving to others or doing things for others.

I'd be lying, of course, if I tried to make you believe that every moment of the past few weeks has been joyful.  Some challenges were predictable, like their hoarding mentality.  You often hear of food hoarding in adopted children, but our kids prefer to hoard other belongings.  Of course they've chosen to hoard many things that once resided in Sophia or Claire's bedrooms, and despite a whole lot of understanding from the girls, there has still been a little conflict.  And it's tough to adequately manage conflict with Google Translate!  

Other challenges were less predictable to us.  For example, the most challenging thing for us has been having to suddenly change the way we've parented for the past 10 years.  I often catch myself trying to deal with a behavior situation in the same way I might with Sophia or Claire... and then I have to regroup and remember that Anya and Sasha need to be parented in a whole different way.  A daily example of this is that when they are redirected or do not get their way, they often shut down, hiding or pretending like they can't see or hear us.  Sophia and Claire have been raised to never dare to treat us so disrespectfully - and if they did, there would be consequences - so my first instinct is to impress upon Anya and Sasha how disrespectful they are being!  But they are not trying to be disrespectful; they are in self-preservation mode and need to be brought close and reminded that we love them no matter how they act or what they do.  It does not come naturally to parent that way, because our parenting style has never been to coddle our kids through undesirable behavior.  

It's does take a lot of effort to do things one way with Sophia and Claire, and a different way with Anya and Sasha.  And with school beginning in two weeks, things are bound to get even more challenging!  But we're doing everything we reasonably can to prepare them in the short time that we've had.  Life is about to get a whole lot busier, but we can't wait to see how they learn and grow!  

Sasha's first visit to the pool after getting his cast off his arm!

So by the way, how are the KIDS???

Today it has been 3 weeks since we arrived in Kiev to start living life as a family.  It may seem as if the unfortunate passport situation has overshadowed much of our joy...in our Facebook status updates, emails, and blog entries perhaps.  But not in our "home"!  Yes, we have felt stress and sorrow, but we have tried very hard to do so privately.  When we are with Anya and Sasha, life has been all about them.  And although we have failed to adequately express our joy publicly, believe us, it is there!

So after three weeks, how ARE the children, you ask?

They are incredible.  Really.  They are doing so well with their transition from living in an orphanage to living in a family.  We really couldn't ask for them to be handling it any better!  Sasha is taking it all in stride; you'd never know he'd just experienced such a huge change!  Anya is relishing in the affection and attention, and slowly relinquishing her instinct to "parent" Sasha.  All my worries about how they would handle these role changes were largely unwarranted.

The first week was interesting... There were habits to break (no, kids, you do not need to wear your underwear in the shower) and they had to get used to many things, like the idea that they could have MORE to drink if they wanted it (we went through almost 3 containers of milk the first day).  There were communication barriers to overcome, and I learned WAY more Russian than they learned English.  But we laughed so much!

I can't figure out how we communicate as well as we do.  Yes, we use Google translate a few times a day but I am certainly not walking around with my nose constantly in a Russian/English dictionary.  It just works and I can't explain how!  They speak to me in Russian and somehow I understand what they mean.  I speak to them in English and they eventually figure it out.  The Lord is giving us incredible understanding for one another.  

I am sure that we are going through a honeymoon phase.  I have no doubt that there will be more difficult phases to come, especially as we return home and begin life together as a family of 6.  But I also know that God crafted these delightful, funny, goofy, thoughtful, and affectionate children to be Stinsons, as surely as He did Sophia and Claire.  So we trust Him that He will guide us through whatever challenging times may come, and praise Him for the joyful times that we have had already!  

Seeking out the Blessings

Anya playing with a new friend on our 92nd excursion to a park.

As we passed the 50-day mark this weekend, I was saddened by thoughts of all the things we've been missing at home during these 50 days spent in Ukraine (since April).  I kept having the stereotypical mental picture of a prisoner keeping tally marks on the wall of his prison cell, thinking that my 50-day tally feels just like that.  

Facebook has served a great purpose in helping me to feel connected and delivering encouraging "likes" and comments to me.  There have been many people encouraging us to focus on all the good things that are happening throughout all of this.  I'll admit that it is usually hard (sometimes impossible!) to set aside missing my daughters to see any good that is coming out of our being so delayed here in Ukraine.  But many of you convinced me to try, so here is what we have come up with so far:

1. We've been able to ease Anya and Sasha into the Stinson family gradually, on neutral ground.  We're getting a chance to feel each other out and learn how to communicate BEFORE introducing 2 more All-American girls into the mix.  Hopefully transitioning to a family of 6 will be a little easier because they first had the chance to be a family of 4 in Kiev.
2. Communicating with Anya and Sasha, and establishing our boundaries and expectations as a family, has been a full time job.  If we were home already, Neil would be back to work and I would be doing this alone with all 4 kids already.  We'd be dealing - either directly or indirectly - with inevitable feelings of jealousy from Sophia and Claire.  That will still come, but for now, Neil and I both have been able to devote ourselves fully to Anya and Sasha.  
3. Aside from Sasha's broken arm, which will require a hospital visit in the next week or so if we are still here, our children are healthy and don't require medical attention.  There are families waiting here who have a far greater need to get home than we do.  There are children with medical needs who need to get to the US to be treated.  There is also a father here whose daughter at home is about to have surgery and he can't be there with her.  There is a father here whose older daughter is getting married in two weeks.  There are financial hardships among many families who never anticipated being here this long.  There is a young mother here who brought her 2 toddlers with her... When I think of the needs of some of these families, I know I have no right to complain at all about my situation.
4. We've been able to bond with other adopting families here, including a family from our own church!  The relationship that our kids have already developed with our friends, the McDuffs, will undoubtably help them once we get home and continue to see those familiar faces.  
5. I am blessed that my husband has been able to stay here with me for so long!  
6. We are learning more Russian because we are still immersed in it here, and that's been helpful in communicating with the kids.
7. We are getting to see MUCH, MUCH more of Kiev than we thought we ever would.  We will have lots of pictures and stories to take home for Anya and Sasha.  I have always been saddened by the lack of a history that we will have for them.  This time in Ukraine doesn't make up for the 7 and 9 years that we missed with them, of course, but it gives us a better start than we expected to have.
8. We hear that the animals are lining up 2 by 2 at home, waiting for the ark to show up. The weather was terribly hot during our first week in southern Ukraine, but here in Kiev?  Lovely!  Low humidity, lots of sunshine, and temperatures in the 70's and 80's.  That's been a blessing that has allowed us to get the kids outside every day!
9. We can see how blessed we are with a community of friends and family, near and far,  who are praying for us and checking in with us & Sophia and Claire.
10. Most importantly, when our worry/anxiety/stress/boredom/fear/disappointment/discouragement/sadness overcomes our joy, this has kept us continually turning to the Lord for comfort and strength.  

I think we will continue to see many more blessings to come this week.  The embassy has agreed to our request for a meeting (albeit not until Thursday).  Also, today the embassy requested information from us about our passport applications, so that they could request

for our passports to be some of the first printed.  They have also bent the rules on medical exams to allow us to get them completed prior to having our passports.  I know that their hands are tied on many things, but I'm grateful that they are acknowledging us and our struggles here.  

We just ask for your continued prayers for strength for us, safety and comfort for Sophia & Claire, understanding and patience for Anya & Sasha, wisdom for the US officials helping us, and motivation for the Ukrainian officials who are in a position to help us!